Come On, Kid

I don't want it all, but I want to DO it all, except I don't. Because I am tired.

I have my first big deadline for writing approaching in two(ish?) weeks. April and May are also ridiculously busy for influencing campaigns— if you’re wondering what in the hell this means, it means that two pretty big brands have contracted me to make some comedic spring content for them. This is fun! This is my dream job (kinda.) And I’m also trying to revive my t-shirts brands and “launch” (as the influencers say) a new brand. This is a lot for me, but I want to do it all. I feel lucky I get to do it all.

As weird as this sounds, tax season is always the month I remember the twentyish year old version of me who found herself paying what minimal amount she (I) owed to the government on my already maxed credit card because I was unemployed and completely broke. I was so embarrassed of my situation, I recall sobbing as I clicked submit on my return. I think I was 25 or 26 and I vowed to never be in such a situation again. Whatever it took, I was going to find a way to make money on my own terms and be my own boss.

So as I was saying, I feel lucky I get to do it all (for the most part.) But I also don’t want to miss anything with my girls. I want to work a lot, but not work a lot, mom a lot, but not mom a lot. This makes sense, right?

Birdie goes to daycare, but Goldie is still home with me and I want to be with her. I feel terrible when I’m not with her. (More on this because yes I’m annoyed with this guilt, I loathe this guilt.) And yet, I also don’t want to be on my phone the entire time I’m with Goldie.

SO WHAT DOES ONE DO?

Well, we just hired a nanny who is incredible. PROBLEM SOLVED, right? Sure. Except as I sit here typing this and I hear Goldie in the kitchen, the pesky voice in my head who likes to drive me literally insane whispers, you should be with her… why aren’t you again? Time is so so limited when they’re little! Are you sure about this?

If I had a mom-friend tell me she feels guilty for time away from her kids I’d shake her say that’s crazy! You deserve and need time away, whatever it’s for— work, leisure, nails, naps, idk! Doesn’t matter. We all need time away. But often times I can’t even shake myself.

I hesitate to share on this specific topic because I think childcare is such a sensitive thing. I know how privileged I am that we have the choices we do. Childcare is expensive, some people desperately want it and can’t have it, some don’t want it but don’t have a choice because they require it. It seems to be a struggle every which way you look at it. And a struggle we’re often so judged for… and by “we’re” I mean moms.

Before I over think this and don’t publish it (I’ve got about 5 other drafts that look exactly like this sitting in my little stack) I’m going to publish. Even just typing it out seems to ease some of the anxiety that settles into my stomach when I lock myself away in my office rather than hovering over Goldie…

Leaving you with no solution today, perhaps just solidarity if you also feel this way. I don’t mean to generalize (but I’m about to) but it drives me fucking insane that women seem to feel this guilt 100000 x more than men (if they do it all.) Like come on, isn’t this one place our hormones or feelings or whatever the hell is going on here could have taken it easy on us? THE ONE PLACE.

I digress.

I’m reading Hunt, Gather, Parent at the moment and the biggest thing I’ve taken away (and try to remind myself of when I’m having an annoying mom meltdown over NOTHING) is that we are such a small blip in time that have parented our children as only nuclear families. For hundreds of years before us, children were raised by entire villages. We all know the saying “it takes a village…” so I remind myself that when Goldie is with her nanny, or when Birdie is at daycare, the more people they are surrounded by and comfortable with the better.

Right? I hope so.